I am one of those people who really connect with seasons, and they all represent something to me. Each one has a special feeling associated to it, and I jump in feet first with expectation. I especially love the feeling of a New Year and refocussing with anticipation. That blank chalkboard ahead of me, waiting to have something drawn on it. I always name my year, and enthusiastically set out new goals and dreams for myself.
But this year I feel different.
This year, something has changed in me.
Don’t get me wrong, I still love January 1st and I still have some ridiculous dreams (I said one out loud the other day in the presence of humans and it immediately was embarrassing!), I’m still naming my year and know what I want to work on, but I just feel different this year.
I’ve taken the pressure off myself.
It’s not about me.
I feel like this is my year to Seek. My year to draw close. I feel like it’s my year to make it about Him.
I’ve learned a lot in 2015. All those weak and insecure areas of my life have been exposed in HD reality. The deep down fears and struggles laid out on the line. I’ve had some deep pain to walk through. I’ve had times where I’ve said out loud, “I can’t do this. I’m not the right person for this. I’m not strong enough to face this.”
But I did. I got through. I feel incredibly blessed when I look back over 2015 and how I was able to accomplish things I never imagined I would be able to do. Face things that were harder than I thought. And most of the time, I did it by changing the way I think and that was because of Him.
I learned to renew my mind. I learned to give it God. I learned to trust Him in the deep inadequacies that I felt. I learned to recognize that His work in me was of His doing, and not my own and by doing that I was able to walk into things that I didn’t think I could do because it really wasn’t about me anyway. It was about Him.
I don’t want that to stop.
What He is calling me to do is to draw close to Him. I feel like there is a promise in that for me because I don’t think I’ve been as good at that as I could be. I’m really great at drawing close to myself, at burying things deep and holding them with my tight fists but I feel like it’s time to release. It’s time to open up. It’s time to let go and walk in freedom. Him first, everything else after. I’ve tried to do that my whole life, but I long to do it better. I need to do it better. I’ve seen a glimpse this year of true surrender and trust, and I want more.
I don’t know where that takes me. I know it’s not all sunshine and lollipops, I know there are always hard paths ahead. I know I have to work at things with all my heart. I need to love better, and I desire to grow in so many areas of my life. I believe there is joy in His promises, through all the seasons ahead.
It’s simple. I want to walk with Him.
Jeremiah 29:13 – “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
I’m all in for 2016.