I had a horrible conversation this morning. It was hateful. It tore me down and attacked my capabilities. Told me that I was a joke, that I had nothing to offer and I didn’t belong. That I didn’t deserve anything good in my life. It left me feeling crushed, dejected and discouraged and unsure if I could face the day ahead.
The worst thing about this conversation?
I had it with myself.
My ongoing battle.
It’s hard to win when I’m fighting me.
A couple of weeks ago, after a particularly crazy week of life, I was feeling like I was failing in all things “home.” I couldn’t pull it together. The fridge was empty, I had lost my patience more than once, the laundry was piling up, I was super exhausted and cranky and I just felt so overwhelmed. I pulled my kids close, and needing some affirmation I asked them, “Do I love you enough?” I just needed to know that despite the shortcomings of my week, that they knew I loved them. That the voices of failure that I was hearing weren’t audible to them. They hugged me, “Yes Mom, you love us enough!” Phew. I felt good, I felt affirmed. Then my son added, “If anything you love us too much.” What? I couldn’t let that one go. It sent me in a whole other direction. What does that mean? Leading to my next negative line of thinking that produced the question, “Am I too smothering? Do I not give you enough space?” My poor kids, just looking at me in confusion. Likely thinking, “Our mom has gone crazy. We were just trying to tell her it was ok.” I had managed to turn their reassurance into yet another possible negative for me to worry about. No answer was right. I could even turn affirmation from my family into something I questioned.
That’s when I realized who I am really fighting.
The hater that’s gonna hate, hate, hate?
That’s me. To myself.
The narrative in my own mind becoming the most damaging thing in my life. I made a decision that day. I’m not listening to that voice anymore. It’s been too loud for too long. I care about self-worth, self-esteem and value so much in others, yet I have neglected that for so long in my own life.
WHY HAVE I LET THIS BATTLE RAGE ON?
It’s not about looks, talents, size, opinions, popularity, platform, success and all those other things that we think are so important.
Identity/Security/Value
They are in Him. Not in the made up scenarios in my head.
So I’m on a new path of cleaning up. Those shattered images and those distorted reflections are being put back together. It’s hard because some of the pieces have been broken so small, but I’m looking deep. I’m letting Him finally be the voice that I hear, and that voice brings freedom. The voice that brings healing. The voice that is truth.
I’m changing how I listen and that’s transforming how I think. You have to make a choice if you want to change what voice you listen too. It’s hard at first, but you can flip it around. Then freedom comes.
To all of us who look into the areas of our life and see everything like it’s in the fun house mirror of distortion – walk away. Look into the reflection of the one who is perfect. He guides our steps, He accepts our flaws, He cheers us in our weakness and rejoices in our strength. He loves perfectly our imperfect hearts and wraps us up in his arms and gathers the broken and trampled parts of us. They are jagged, they can do damage so he picks them up carefully with care. He puts them back together.
He values His masterpiece, created according to His perfection.
He wants us to see the immense value that is ourselves.
He shouts over us using a megaphone of love that drowns out the whispers of hate.
Listen to Him.
In my clinical world we call those hater thoughts, automatic. Its so sad that we can be our biggest bully. However,it’s amazing to see the revelation people have when they realize they can challenge those thoughts, examine the evidence for those thoughts and start replacing them with thoughts of affirmation. It takes hard work and practice but it is so rewarding when someone’s negative inner voice dissapears!! Self awareness is so powerful! Great post!
Thanks Barb! It is amazing how the negative thoughts come so automatically. But it is possible to change how we think!
As someone who is retired, I often have thoughts of uselessness. Your blog made me want to try things to get out of my wallowing and to be on the lookout helping those whom I come across.
Thank you Shelly.
Oh, thank you Sue Ann for sharing that. You are an incredible person with so much to offer others! xo