Tonight I escaped away to one of my favourite places – my parent’s cottage. I had some work to do, and it’s been a crazy couple weeks and I just wanted to be alone for a little while. Alone time is good time for me. It’s thinking time and it’s seeking time. I’m so thankful I can come here and hide out for a night. It’s even adventurous. I killed a giant bug all by myself with the kitchen broom.
I realized tonight after some reading and reflecting (One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp) that I am really not the person that I want to be right now. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not horrible by any means. I’m not going through a phase of self-loathing or deep insecurity. I haven’t turned into a villain or taken up any sketchy activities…
I just don’t think I am currently my best self. I’ve been a better me in the past.
I don’t say that for affirmation, or for assurance. I don’t say that so people will respond positively to me. (please don’t)
I say that because I know me.
It’s fair to say that the last few months have been stressful, full of big life decisions and sometimes hard questions. I look at myself and I wonder where I have gone. Who’s that tired, serious girl in the mirror? Does she smile more than once a day? Is she living full of joy?
I know, life is full of seasons. Some are great, some are hard. But I realized that it’s been a long time since I’ve:
Given a gift to someone for no reason
Left a spontaneous note in a mailbox
Done something just for fun
Laughed so hard that my stomach hurt
Acted crazy with my family
Loved on my co-workers
Been a super amazing friend
Loved completely and unselfishly
Given when it hurts
When was the last time I was living life with pure joy and passion?
I miss me.
I don’t want the season to define my purpose.
I feel like life has gotten heavy and it has crushed out some of the outward expression that comes from living from my heart. The things that make me happy. The things that make me feel alive and fulfilled. The things that I live and breathe and believe are so important.
The things that are really not even about me, but about me living out my life for others.
Maybe that happens to us all?
Well, I’ve had enough of it. I don’t want to live that way.
It’s time to break off those weights. It’s time to stop being crushed.
HIs purposes are greater than any reality that I may be facing that threatens to bring me down.
My weakness is His strength.
And the more I love, the more I serve, the more I give, the more I share – the less it becomes about me and the more it becomes about the reason I am here. It becomes about the purpose that my life has, which is the purpose He has for ME. Which needs to be about those around me.
I want to live that purpose. I want to be that person. I want to be that wife, mother, daughter, sister, leader and friend that I am meant to be. I want to walk in freedom in grace and in complete joyful living.
I want to be the me that I was created to be.
The me that lives for Him