Cake and candles.


Flames extinguished. 

At the end of the day, with a heart full of loved poured in, I lie in the dark and stare at the ceiling and ask the question that I ask every year in my deep places.

“I wonder where things will be at this time next year. I need to remember to remember that I need to ask myself that.”

And I do.

Every single year. 

It’s important to remember a year. 

To take inventory of the days. 

I think of all the things that have changed. All the things that have remained the same. And everything that comes in the middle of that is a glorious mess like the surprise inside my colourful kaleidoscope cake. A mess that can’t be separated, because its so intertwined that nothing could ever pull it apart.

Glorious mess.  

Then, I think if I look at my number today, this number of years that my Maker has given me breath to live, that I’m about halfway.

As far as years and lives go. And if lives go as planned. 

If I doubled today, it would be a pretty good life.

So, I decide I’m halfway in this Glorious Mess. Halfway is where it seems a lot of living happens. It’s where my life living in happening. 

Then I think more about half, and that a lot of half living is hard. I want to live full.

But if I’m honest and dig deep, and sit down and really think, halfway is a good way to describe this place in so many ways. This place of years and seasons and change. 

Living in the vs.

Halfway between immense overflowing joy vs. deep pain that threatens to render numbness. 

Halfway between living out days in complete isolation vs. longing for bellyache laughing loves who care and listen and abide beside on this journey.

Halfway between pursuing deep down wild and crazy dream vs. throwing it all in and declaring all such dreams ridiculous and unattainable.

Halfway between letting go freely vs. holding and clutching so tight that fingernails leave imprints in palms.

Halfway between wanting to fight and not fail like a quitter who can’t commit vs. finding peace and living potential and purpose and passion.

Halfway between caring and striving and trying and being a pursuer of peace vs. shielding and protecting and retreating so that it doesn’t hurt.

Why is it easy to live halfway life living?

In the middle of purpose. When you don’t choose a side but let yourself hover over the middle spaces. The middle places. 

Deciding to decide when you feel like deciding.  

Then I think. Of this question that I commit to ask next year. On the day of the flaming cake candles.

And I wonder?

What does all out full living look like? What does it mean to go beyond the halfway?

To not live within the tension of the vs.

To stop hovering and hiding.  

Can I do it? Can I tip the scales?

Can the next half be lived whole?

I want whole. I long for whole.  

I think of abundant-life living. I think of grace-filled living. I think of living with no fear of the future. Laughing at the days to come. 

I think of stepping out of the half and going for the full.

In every way. 

Because I know I’ll ask my question again, next year. With the sweet memories of cake and love on my heart. 

“I wonder where things will be at this time next year. I need to remember to remember that I need to ask myself that.”

I’ll think about my year. Year after year. Time after time.

Until I get close to whole.

In every way. 

It will be a mess.

I wonder what that looks like?

A whole glorious mess.

 I want it to look like me.