I’m having a really hard time lately finding my voice. Is it weird to be having an identity crisis at this stage of my life?
I’ve had lots of significant changes over the last 2 years, I know at my core who I am as a person (don’t worry!) but what part of me should I be expressing? What words do I share? How do I sort all these parts of me out so they make sense?
I am mess of words and thoughts that are drowning out my voice.
I’m a mom and wife and I love family – Do I become all about family?
I love leadership. Am I a leadership person?
I get to do really creative projects at work. Do I start a DIY blog?
I love ministry and the church. I was a pastor. Do I write about ministry?
I love creative writing. Do I just focus on the imaginary worlds in my mind?
I love coffee. Maybe I should blog about it’s riches and caffeinated goodness?
The problem is that I feel like I can’t focus. I feel like a big bowl of jumbled up fruit salad. All mixed together. I always pick out the things I love the most when I am eating a fruit salad, and I leave the green melon behind. But I don’t know what to leave behind. I don’t know what my green melon is. And I like most of the fruit. Don’t make me choose. I don’t want to live a strawberry-less life because I was in a pineapple mood.
What do I CHOOSE?
I don’t think I’ll find a niche for the “mom who loves to be crafty while talking about leadership as a previous pastor who writes fictional stories for tweens and picture books for kids about big hair, while reviewing coffee.” market. I’m pretty sure that doesn’t exist, and if it does it sounds really intense.
So, why does this matter so much to me? I’m in a slump. I have a couple personal projects on the go, but I can’t focus on any of them in a significant way. This makes me unproductive. This makes me feel like I am not gaining any ground but just letting time slide by, watching the stories of others come alive on Netflix and being impacted profoundly by my favourite bloggers. I’m loving lots of the voices around me, but I notice that almost ALL of the time I know right away what those voices represent and i love that. But me? My writing life is divided into a children’s book, a young adult novel and a leadership book on mentoring. Where does my voice fit?
I’m a triple genre split-personality.
Can I be all these things or am I kidding myself?
It’s time to stop dreaming in the clouds and start writing on the page. Stories in my brain are not going anywhere. They are thoughts being help captive, imaginations longing to be released.
I’ve decided that to find a voice, one must look for it. Not just any voice but a significant voice. One that has purpose. One that contributes.
So, I am starting a 30 day journey of writing to find it. That might seem a little too structured for this fruit salad girl, but maybe it’s time to separate all the things in the bowl and see what’s the best. I won’t know until I try.
I still might end up with another bowl of fruit salad, but at least I’ll know how each thing tastes on it’s own.